REVAMP: Update + What I’ve Been Up To

So it’s been a little over two months after posting my mental health blog post elaborating on my move to Texas. Since then, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I felt like I could breathe again, live again. In the month of June alone, I did a whole lot more recreational and adventure wise than I did three years working, and it was an amazing feeling. It was such bliss that I almost didn’t want to leave Los Angeles, but I knew that this was only temporary because I would eventually run out of funds to support myself.

The month of July coming back into Texas and settling in has been a challenge for me physically and mentally. Firstly, my car was promised to be delivered the same week I arrived—we rolled in July 3—but it kept getting delayed and delayed. The actual arrive date ended up being July 20, which was unfortunate because I only had a few outfits to wear over and over—all my clothes were in my transported car. Without a car, I couldn’t go anywhere. Getting longer, I stupidly separated my PC monitor and tower from its wires so I couldn’t even stream on Twitch or play any games I have. Needless to say, I went a little stir crazy with hella cabin fever.

And when I had cabin fever, my mind started to wander and swim in bad feelings. I started thinking about how I’m not sure what I want to do with my life, what my next move is, how I’m laying in my bed wasting time and life away, how I’m a burden to my family and the list can go on and on…

But in those two weeks of being home with nothing to do, I binged watched tv shows, movies and anime:

Danganronpa (Despair and Future arcs) – Funimation
**After completing the first two games of the franchise, it’s advised to watch the accompanying anime series—alternating episodes between the “despair” and “future” arcs. But OH. MY. LANTA. This anime takes you on an emotional rollercoaster, quite literally. I started this one during my last week of living in LA, in the hotel rooms on the road trip home and finished the morning after coming into town. If you’ve played the games and grew attached to the characters, you just might cry at some of the scenes. The anime really pulls your heart strings with its incredible shock factor. Everything you learned about in the games didn’t seem so scary playing through, but when you witness them in the anime, your heart stops.

Yuri on Ice — Funimation
This was recommended by my best friend and former roommate, Vicci. It’s a quick, short-lived series of 12 episodes following the journey of pro ice skater, Yuri, who is taken under wing by gold medalist, Viktor. As a fan of ice skating—I make sure to watch the winter olympics religiously—this seemed right up my alley. I don’t want to spoil anything, but this anime doesn’t have much darkness (especially after coming off the high of Danganronpa), and its light-heartedness makes your heart a flutter. I was live-texting Vicci as I went through it and it was just speedy, successive ALL CAPS texts about how excited I was. I will say though: I give this series a huge thumbs up with its progressive nature with lovable gay characters.

Blue Exorcist — Netflix
Blue Exorcist has been on my list for a long time, but I never actually sat down to watch it. Vicci informed me that the series is dubbed and on Netflix, so of course I jumped right in. I’m into darker themes dealing with demons so this, as well, was up my alley. This series took me a few days to a week to finish—binging of course—and its quite captivating. It’s full of action and you hold your breath when shit goes down. In contrast, it also has its happier and light-hearted scenes too. Protagonist Rin is very lovable and the underdog you root for when literally almost everyone in the series hates on him and is out to get him. Plus, he’s voiced by one of my favorite voice actors, Bryce Papenbrook, and he’s teamed up with Johnny Yong Bosch, who plays Rin’s brother, Yukio.

Hana Kimi (Japan 2007) — Kiss Asian
This is a Japanese dramedy that I’ve rewatched over and over once in a blue moon. It’s a reverse harem revolving around a girl who dresses up as a guy to attend an all-boys school with a mission to inspire her track athlete idol to high jump again. This arc of the series holds its heavy weight as the more serious tone, which is contrasted by the super silly, light-hearted mini-arcs of the large cast of high school men and their adventures. You’d think you’d go cross-eyed trying to keep up with all the characters but you eventually fall in love with every single one of them. Beware though, the last episode (#12) hella activates your tear ducts.

Terrace House — Netflix
This is a Japanese reality TV show similar to MTV’s Real World that Vicci was originally watching and talked about. It piqued my interest only because she told me that it’s not like American reality TV—where everyone curses like a sailor and gets into fist fights; utter chaos. I’m currently in the process of watching the first season because it was extended two times for reasons I won’t spoil. It’s such a 180 from American reality TV, which you’d think you might find boring, but it’s actually quite intriguing. What’s also unique about Terrace House is that there is a “commentary crew” watching alongside you and every once in awhile, the show cuts to the crew making their commentary and discussing what’s happening in the show.

Anyone who knows me were shocked when I told them that this was all I had been doing lately. The guilt was real since I wasn’t doing anything productive, but in hindsight part of the goal of coming back home to Texas was to learn how to do nothing and relax.Admittedly, there have been moments of vulnerability where I had breakdowns since coming home but we’ll get to those later. By immersing myself in the anime stories, it takes me away from my dark thoughts even for a little bit. Plus in those light-hearted scenes, they can be inspiring and speak to your heart without even realizing it. Unexpectedly, even if you aren’t looking for it, these shows can hit you so hard in the feels and perhaps put your life into perspective.

ANYWAY, the grand point of this post is to revamp this blog—yet again—with a new outlook and angle. What I’m hoping is to focus on the journey of improving my mental health and see where my next chapter lies. I may be 26 years old–well past my “year of 25,” but I didn’t want to start another new blog so I’m continuing on this one.

I won’t lie that I miss LA sometimes because of the life I worked so hard to establish, the freedom of exploring and all, but for right now—this “temporary permanent”—I think this is where I need to be.

xoxo
Siri

Saying Farewell to LA: a City That has Negatively Affected my Mental Health for Four Years

Just a fair warning, this is going to be a long post. I usually keep personal stuff like this to myself, but in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I wanted to share my sentiments with my own personal account.

After four years of living in Los Angeles, I decided to move back home to Texas. For the most part of those four years I’ve been battling depression. This past December, while I was away for a weekend to get my mind off things happening in life, I experienced an anxiety/panic attack: heartbeat racing, headache, nausea, eyes darting back and forth…I was in the middle of eating dinner with a friend and for over an hour I tried to take deep breaths and calm my heart rate down, but it wasn’t slowing down. It didn’t happen until later when we got back to our hotel room and I laid on my bed, closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep. Within 10 – 20 minutes I was fine, but I knew something bigger was wrong.

Fast forward to when I visited Texas for the holidays…In the span of a week, I saw a bunch of doctors, one of which included an internal medicine doctor, who I spoke with and she diagnosed me with severe anxiety. The outcome: I was prescribed to take a daily anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication from January until mid-April, any additional refills needs to be prescribed by a psychiatrist. I recently started seeing a therapist and after talking with her, she also wants me to see a psychiatrist because I have a slight panic disorder. Needless to say, this whole experience opened my eyes to finally see what was happening to me.

To put it simply: I am broken. Broken—financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. In battling this depression, my stubbornness and denial caused me to fight myself internally, convincing myself how “happy” I was and that I didn’t have a problem and was actually unhappy. Some people have told me, “Why are you leaving?! … You seemed so happy! … I thought things were working out so well for you! …” Truth is…I’m really not okay. It is extremely difficult to part ways with a life I have worked so hard to establish in LA, but it’s not in the cards for me anymore. As cliche as it gets, this city has chewed me up and spit me out. It’s time for me to finally take matters into my own hands to get unstuck from this unhealthy void and take care of myself.

Up until now I struggled with myself with the idea that ever going back to Texas meant I was a failure, that I lost the game of life, and I had to stick out whatever pain and suffering came my way to make it on my own. But there came a time when I finally realized that being out here has cost me my mental health. I thought by the age of 25 I was going to have a successful career, living on my own—completely cut off from my parents—moving forward in life and just genuinely feeling happy.

I am now 26 and none of that has happened. It seemed like no matter how hard I worked, how hard I tried to network and make new friends or how hard I tried to go out and live life and experience new things, I’d fail every time. Let this be a cautionary tale: Los Angeles is a city of opportunity, sure, but it is incredibly toxic at the same time. I’ve never met the most fake people who used me to get ahead, who didn’t give me the time of day, who gave me the shoulder when I tried to establish friendship, who only hit me up when they needed something. And I can barely afford to stay in an apartment where I SHARE (yes, share) a room, let alone go out and live life without putting myself into more credit card debt. Hell, for the first year and a half I was living off $20 – $30 worth of groceries per month. I could go on but it all points to one thing: my time in this toxic city has made me doubt myself, hate myself and nearly kill myself, and I’m not stable enough to move forward.

Just in this past year alone, a normal day has become me waking up sad or angry or anxious and having at least one mental breakdown a day. For a good part of last year, I turned to alcohol as my crutch to drink my troubles away and nearly depleted my bank account. But I kept telling myself I was “fine”—I can’t be weak, I can’t show vulnerability, this is just part of the hustle, I’ll make it, success is right around the corner, push through it all—despite close friends pointing out to me that I’m causing my own unhappiness, that I’m driving myself insane, that I’m working too hard from 5am – 11pm/midnight, that I care way too much about other things before myself.

Go ahead and tell me I probably just don’t have what it takes, that I’m not cut out for what goals I have—trust me I’ve already believed all this stuff about me. I’ve managed to put everything before myself without a second thought: my job, friends, family, boyfriends and more. Now it’s time to put myself first and make ME a priority. I’m done putting myself through emotional turmoil. I have experienced the lowest parts of my life and entertained the darkest depths of my mind. Call me weak, but I have to put my pride away and realize that I need to give myself a break and rehabilitate before I’m irreversibly destroyed or I do something I’ll regret and can’t take back.

At this very moment, I can feel my confidence is completely shook. I don’t think I’m good enough for anything. I’m not good enough for new friends, I’m not good enough for a new job, I’m not good enough for love, I just feel like I’m not good enough for life. No matter how hard I’ve tried…it was never good enough and I’ve been left feeling like I’m lower than dirt.

It’s been about a month since coming off my medication and I can feel my anxiety taking over and reverting my mind and personality back to an unhealthy state. However, since the year started, I have managed to find healthy regimens that have helped me balance my life and feel better about myself—start loving myself and my life again. In addition, I’ve been walking the road of sobriety—I’ve had only three drinks so far this year, and the taste doesn’t appeal to me and I can now firmly say that I don’t need it. I may not be okay right now but I know that I will eventually get there, and it’s okay to not be okay as long as I keep working at it every day and push any negative thoughts out of my mind. My mental health is a daily battle, but I’m constantly seeking out healthier options and will continue to work at it, and the biggest step is going back home.

Don’t get me wrong there have definitely been good times had, gems of people I’ve met and befriended and unforgettable memories made, but it’s time for this little Texas girl to go home and be with family who support me and want to help me get back on my feet and figure out my life. Nothing pains me more than to leave all the wonderful people, memories and efforts I’ve made, but unfortunately all the negative energy, all the heartache, all the bad times overshadow all the good. That bit of goodness was what kept me holding on to that thin sliver of hope, but it’s gone now…

The whole point of this long-winded story is that your mental health is SUCH an important thing to take care of. As a society we keep hush, hush about mental health because it’s looked down upon or considered “taboo” or you’re viewed as “crazy,” but, uh, no? As someone dealing with all of this, this is all very real, so please don’t be afraid to TALK. ABOUT. IT. Mental health is something we take for granted and we need to take care of ourselves.

I can’t say that I’ll miss LA….but I do want to thank you everyone I’ve had the pleasure of meeting and getting close to. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for the adventures. Who knows if I’ll be back, but it’s been one hell of a ride.

Photo credit: Victoria Patneaude

xoxo
Siri

DAILY: 1/14/17

Today was supposed to be the day that I saw Jemuhni play live for the first time.

However…that didn’t happen.

Jemuhni is an artist I met back at ASCAP EXPO in 2015, I believe. I was at the Music Connection booth talking with industry folk and artists alike, and I talked to Jemuhni about getting a review in the magazine–we did a review of his music later on and he was a Top 25 New Music Critiques of the year.

Fast forward to 2017 where I submitted him to be considered for a showcase lineup for a Pre-NAMM industry mixer. He was accepted and was set to perform at The Airliner in front of partygoers as well as industry professionals, etc.

I got to the venue half an hour, maybe forty-five minutes after the doors had been opened but the venue was closed. Door was locked, and the show runner  was not around to be found.

As I was trying to get a hold of the guy in charge, I chatted with one of the artists hanging  who was supposed to perform in 10 minutes, and he had no idea what was going on or anything. We started walking down the street, and I just happened to run into Jemuhni. We caught up on the situation and both reached out to the guy, and we decided to hang out at El Pollo Loco while we waited for an answer.

Admittedly, it was great meeting and hanging out with him and his bandmates, but I feel so awful that this whole situation was happening! 5PM rolled around–which is when the venue normally opens–and nothing had changed or been updated…The guys had other engagements they had to get to, so we waited around until 5:30PM and then we left.

It’s unfortunate that this performance couldn’t come to fruition, but it goes to show how vital communication is. I want to say that stuff like this doesn’t usually happen in the music industry, but it does. Communication in general is so important, but for some reason it doesn’t happen very often–things get lost in translation a lot. Most people would throw a fit but I was glad to see that the guys were really good sports about it. In the end, I told the show runner to put them on the next showcase for the Countdown to Grammys shindig, so hopefully that happens!

xoxo